I went up to the temple today to seek out
some clarification and to take those steps which will help me become a more
spiritual person rather than just saying that is what I want to be. I didn't
actually go inside because the fancy to go didn't hit me until after we talked
about temple attendances and how much we go there in my D&C class as well
as what are our driving motivators for living in my Personality class. I wasn't
a fan of either of my answers so I went up to do something about it. I started
off with a prayer where I was trying to just ask blessings for others when I
realized what I actually asking to be the heroine in a miraculous "fixed
it" kind of story. Which is for acknowledgment, not genuine concern for
the person. So my prayer more tuned into asking to be more like Naaman who
would do something without fanfare, repetitive and mundane for the Lord than
Gehazi who wanted gain from helping others. After I did some scripture study I
started to write in my journal about what was on my mind.
It started off
with my lack of personal scripture reading and prayers. I thought about the
reasons that I don't do them and was hit
by a revelation that was quite shocking to me. I don't do good things in front
of other people because I don't want to look like a goodie-two-shoes because if
I were I wouldn't be a relatable person who you could talk to or who could help
you and I am above all else a helpful person. It is a crazy notion once written
down, but really is how I have though for a long time without being conscious of
it. It sounds like the kind of confusion satan would cause, but the
explanation isn't as important as the option that makes it so I can stop
listening to what "they" think and do things that are actually good
for me.
This idea of finding something so
important about myself made me want to dig a little more. I have always seen
myself as a generous person (aka kind and forgiving), but really I am not
easily offend. A person I have been offended by is my ex-stepmother. Have I
forgiven her? I would like to say yes, but my story telling would say
otherwise. That is in explaining the differences between my
ex-stepmother/family and my new stepmother/family I have searched my memory for
examples of how horrible she has been to convince people of how terrible she is
and why we had to get away. These are acquaintances in my life who don't know
her and won’t meet her. Why was I making an enemy out of her? Even if she
is an enemy I am still supposed to love her? Would you speak ill of those you
love? These were the hard questions coming to my mind and I do have answers for
them, but they weren't the "yes you are justified" kind of answers.
The problem was that the marriage started off with “us” and “them” lines
already drawn into it and because we didn't want to be intrusive we let them
stay and when we reached over we got burned to many times so we stopped trying,
but I can remember being "good" to be spiteful after a time.
Especially after...*shake head* I was about to look for evidences again, but
that isn't the point here.
The point is that though the Lasley's and the
Eliason's didn't bring out the best in one another I can't hold on to offenses
real or imagined if I am going to live the way I want to. The point is that it
wasn't until I talked to Heavenly Father about it that I found solutions. I
have been struggling to find a way to change and in one afternoon of sincere
quiet searching I was given two gifts to help me with that. The question
now is : will I use them properly?
